Repatence drew herself up from her knee-strewn posture with suppressed moans. She had been “at it” for hours. She had her “unclean self” in the stocks… willing the impurity from her thoughts to submit as she threw various “objects” of reticence at her wayward self. As she arose she took in the “scene”. Her rebellious nature glared back at her with a slight curve of laughter in her features. She let her shoulders drop and sighed.
“Well Father, it seems it did no good to take myself captive. This part of me has nine lives and grins like a cat the more I try to expose it to Your discipline” she said aloud.
“She does seem rather amusingly immortal, huh? ” A voice spoke from beside her, bending down He began to message her knees.
Repatence jumped and gasped aloud. Falling to the bed under shock and relief at the same time. It had been a while since her Lord had appeared so vividly. Though she never told a soul He appeared to her. Who would believe her. It was 2014 and noone testified to having “seen Him” anymore! Much less did they speak of His speaking to them! It was tantamount to being considered qualified to move into the psych-ward in a local hospital.
She leaned back against the stone wall of her humble room which framed her bed on two sides. Closing her eyes she giggled and blew out a alleviated breath. Yielding to His hands which “spoke” healing to her knees.
“Is it possible my Lord, that my bad self keeps being resurrected by your enemy? The unkind and selfish thoughts don’t seem to be “killable”! She decided to just go with the flow and pour out her heart since He “was there” and she could not deny her knees now seemed to have forgotten their vigil upon the stone floor.
He smiled and it went from His face to her eyes and into the very core of her being. How she loved Him!
“No, I do not believe that power is the enemies to use. Look closely, she never died.” His voice was gentle with a touch of humility and splashed with humor that settled the dust of peace in the world around her.
She looked closely as instructed. Her bent form in the stock, head turned towards a hand poking out of its captive hole, as if observing a hang nail quite content in its imprisonment. It was ridiculous, of course, as the image was only in her mind. One drawn up to help her in her determination to “beat down” the inpure thoughts that came as a result of her afternoon encounter with Mary-Margret, a sister in the shelter she worked with. Mary’s harsh words failed yet again to produce the humility that had been intended over her spacey-ness while serving the afternoon meal; resulting in an upturned tray and a burn on her hand.
The hand He now held in His and administered the same language through His fingers as He did her knees a moment before.
“Am I crazy Lord? I was just trying to ‘die to myself’ and the image helped.” She began to tear up.
His beautiful hands, holes and all embraced her face and brought it in line with His own. She followed its path and meet His eyes, now full of their own tears.
“Let’s take her out of the stocks dear one, she doesn’t need to ‘die’ as you understand dying. I did that. Within you, Repetance, is both light and dark and this is the path you walk with Me. Your desire is known to the One who knows you best. That’s why I’m here.” His words were more than residents of His mouth, they became!
The image in her mind dissipated and faded as she watched a tear roll down His scarred cheek. She reached a finger to touch it as it followed the path to His chin. Wonder filled her hand and vibrated up her arm and found expression in her throat in a awe-struck tremble. How she loved Him!
“Why do You cry my Lord? She asked.
He caught her hand and kissed it.
“Because it breaks My heart to see you try so hard to do a thing I’ve done. Give your wayward thoughts to Me as a gift, dear one, and I shall show you My grace.”
“But, how can I consider them a “gift” my Lord, they are unworthy of You!?!” She cried.
“Because you give them to Me, sweet one, they become a treasure of priceless worth to Me and the Father! We can make them into Love, I don’t require you to understand, just to trust.” He said, looking deep into her eyes.
The word ‘but’ began to form on her lips. She “grabbed it” and frowned.
He began to laugh out loud with delight. A laughter that intoxicated without humiliation, and she joined Him. Knowing without knowing why He found such humor in her action, unseen and unspoken but known!
“What a fitting name Abba gave you, Repetance, so much like repentence! You do embody the character! What delight you are!” He said with the affection that spun stars into existence.
“ Why don’t You do this with everyone Lord? You know, appear and talk and laugh and heal just like this.” She asked
“Why do you think I do not? He asked, seriousness replaced His demeanor.
Repetance turned red at the thought of her ignorance. She looked down. Immediately her face was brought back up to meet His gaze. Those other worldly eyes holding her captive now in the freedom of His love.
“Because noone talks about it, I guess. I mean noone! I suppose it’s natural to assume You do not. Though I realize it may not reflect the truth. Am I correct in keeping these moments to myself? She explained with the heart of yearning.
“Perhaps, at least until you are prompted again to share. There are moments that I keep just between us. Yet, remember yesterday when the gentleman asked you if God talks to you. And you withdrew, unsure and afraid.” He said and inquired.
She remembered well, nodding her head. Embarrassment creeping up her neck again.
“Those are times you must be bold and unafraid and speak dear one. You will know and must act when prompted and let Me deal with what others think, say or even do to you at such times. Many are spoken to just like this but they, just like you, are afraid. It breaks My heart and keeps My followers weak. Which can be made into strength, but it is the heart of Abba that His children witness to My aliveness and realness to others.” His eyes were sad and held no blame. Repetance could see the grace alive in Him!
I will speak next time my Lord, if You will help me. I will speak.” She threw her arms around Him.
Again His laughter rang out against the walls of her room and His arms returned her affection.
“That is all that is required dear one.” He said, “And no more stocks, eh?” He whispered as His fulness faded. Repetance looked down at her hand and smiled at the tear that had not yet dried on her finger.
“Yes, my Lord, I understand. No more stocks, and I will speak and give my many many “gifts” to You. And follow You like this finger followed Your tears. .. straight into Abba’s heart. I love You!”
Grace and peace in Yeshua the Messiah